Ten Years.

Overslept slightly, but it’s been 10 years (and a couple of hours) to the day that I had my first full day at Bradford Grammar School. Going from a small primary school to a much bigger private school was a massive change in my life that I would not have to deal with again until 8 years later when I moved to university. 

My time at BGS definitely shaped me in a way I doubt I’d turn out anywhere else. I’d always had an interest in technology and computer science, but I was also able to discover my fascination with Classical mythology (and language). Outside of the academic side, I discovered my passion for stagecraft and theatre tech. I joined my school’s Tech Crew in my 3rd Year and was an active member to the end (much to my mum’s disapproval, she didn’t like how many late nights I spent in rehearsals and shows). Some of my best memories are spending lunchtimes or evenings setting up stages and rehearsing for plays. Interacting with the commadrie of the BGS Tech Crew is something I miss, I’ve yet to find it at my university’s tech crew. The thrill of plays – sure we weren’t on stage, but our mistakes could easily be noticed. (Eventually I’d appear on stage in a couple of plays as supporting roles – I do regret not getting into drama earlier.)

The same year I also joined the Combined Cadet Force. It was the source of most of my best BGS memories. The times spent on camps, just chilling with people, were extremely serene. The high was my RAF Summer Camp, which was probably the most consistent fun I’ve ever had in a week. I started the cadets in the height of my OCD and anxiety (more on that later) – and so my enthusiasm was matched by my lack of self-confidence. And while I can’t say for sure I became more confident in myself, I was able to gradually get me to trust myself more, and to assert myself more, which was more fitting for when I eventually became the Senior RAF Cadet and Flt. Sgt. I learned target shooting, a sport I still practice (when I can) to this day. I learned fieldcraft, which, while is perhaps the least transferable skill of many I learnt, if ever there was an apocalypse, you’ll want me on your crew (I’ve hordes the ration packs from my CCF career that I didn’t eat, so I have a fairly good supply of those too). I learned leadership, I learned how to work in a team efficiently, I learned how to lead a lesson. These are skills I learned that I still use today, and that I use to support me in job or volunteer applications. But also, I re-affirmed how much I love teaching, and my time instructing cadets just encourages me more to eventually take up a teaching role. Perhaps most amazingly, I was able to go on a MOD funded gliding scholarship – it was a motored glider, so to all intents and purposes just a weak plane, and learn how to fly. The course climaxed in a solo flight – the single most exhilarating and terrifiying experience of my life, I have never been nor doubt I shall ever be more singular focused on anything as I was landing that plane. 

I also discovered my love of debating. I’d always liked public speaking – my underlying anxiety meant I found it hard to talk when I thought I’d be ignored or spoken over, hence my tendency to speak fast A it’s so I can finish my sentence before people get bored of me. Public speaking meant I was able to talk without that fear. I started my debating career terribly. I stuttered. I froze. I didn’t know what to say. And then very quickly after, I learned. I improved. I became more confident and aggressive. Sadly, among such brilliant debaters as such you’ll find at BGS debating society, I was never really sure of how good I was. It wasn’t until my first university competition where I broke final magnificently did I find out. My anxiety gives me such low self-esteem that I hardly think I’m good at anything. One of the few things I won’t let myself not believe I’m good at is debating. You can and will have ups and downs in debating, a motion which throws you, you’re feeling a bit ill, just that kinda day – but those things stop mattering when you get an affirmation like breaking final of your ability – you KNOW you have it in you to do at least that well, so your later hiccups matter less, which means they don’t impact on your anxiety at all. 

Speaking of anxiety – as much as an amazing time I had at BGS, it was gradually more and more overshadowed by my worsening mental health. I was diagnosed with OCD in my early years, and well aware I had it but not fully appreciating what it meant. I wasn’t able to, I hadn’t been properly educated in mental health. I wasn’t aware that, as an anxiety disorder, it was impacting my self-esteem. I wasn’t therefore able to recognise when that eventually developed into depression. Having to struggle with the pressures of GCSEs and A-Levels while suffering depression and anxiety is not something anyone should go through. No one recognised I had it – I didn’t recognise – so everything I went through because of my depression, I blamed and put on myself. Which just made it worse. I didn’t come out with the GCSEs I would’ve liked. Nor the A-Levels. My self-loathing just always increased, to the extent where I’ll probably never get over it. Despite this – I still managed to get into Newcastle University (who apparently saw something in me and offered me an unconditional, which made me choose them over Glasgow, a decision I don’t regret, but that’s for another time and blog to explore – I did get high enough A-Levels that I would’ve gotten into either without the unconditional). Newcastle Uni has an amazing, if underresourced, mental health service. At the support and pushing of a then close-friend, I was able to realise I had depression and had for some time, and get help for it. 

But perhaps the most important thing I experienced at BGS were the people. Most of them weren’t big parts of my lives and I won’t dwelve on them or the impact they had. The more important people were the ones who are responsible for my best memories of the place. The people I would lunch and banter with. The people I would CCF with. Debate with. Creative write with. But also the few people with whom my shared experience with shaped me massively to who I am today. People who I hope I will be friends with for as long as I can. People who know me better than I know myself and the few people who I trust completely. 

This started out as a short Facebook status commemorating ten years since I became a BGS student but expanded out to become a longer self-analysis of that time. I could write more, but I’ve written enough and brevity is the key to a good blog post. 

My parents undoubtedly have a photo of me in my uniform on my first day. But it’ll be physical and they’ll have to find it and then digitalise it. So instead, the next best thing is this photo of me from my First Year trip to Rhineland, Germany, some months after the new year. 

So with that. Here’s to the next ten years.